I'm So Awesome I Jumped Off That How You Like Me Now

I didn't do the last jump though.

June 17, 2010

The day started well -- I ate a ham, egg and cheese sandwich, a hashbrown, and drank an OJ at 8:30am.

At noon a vendor came by and dropped off donuts. I ate a Boston Creme. Two hours later I ate a glazed.

I decided to skip lunch for no good reason.

By dinner I was feeling weak. I was in DC. I ate a garden salad that cost $8. It consisted of some nice lettuce, 4 cherry tomatoes, 4 olives.

I drank two cups of coffee at work. In DC I drank a High Life, two Stella's, and two PBRs. When we got back to Baltimore, Joe and I went to iBar and had two Natty Bohs.

Today I feel a little woozy.

Unrelatedly, it's Joe's opinion the 90s were a valley for music, from which emerged 00s music, which was good (akin to the 60s drought into the 70s heydays?).

For the boy/girl duo category, I submit The Spinanes


versus Wye Oak


Tough call. Really tough. How do they do live? Wye Oak first this time:


Then a rougher video from The Spinanes:


I think I've got to disagree with Joe. "Entire" by the Spinanes takes it.

Shoes

What is my world coming to? I bought an mp3 player so I could start jogging. Now I just need some sneakers, right? I went to the sneaker man, he told me the $60 Saucony's weren't for running. He told me the technology in those shoes was about 40 years old. They looked like sneakers for running but they were not.

What did I learn from this? It's easier to buy a jogging mp3 player than it is to buy jogging shoes.

Effing all I listen to anymore is Bruce Springsteen anyway. Not even the good stuff.

What am I talking about? It's all good:


I've been playing football. I play for the Falcons. We went 6-2 this year. I play safety and WR. I have at least one touchdown in every game except one. I only got one pick this year, ganked it from a girl. We're in the playoffs. The game is on Saturday at 2. Come on out and cheer on your Falcons.

But the thing is that every week my teammates harp on me for not having cleats. I keep meaning to get them, like off the Internet or something.

I woke up this morning confused. I was wrapped up in my blankets and it took me almost a minute to untangle myself. I had shredded last week's New Yorker in my sleep. That was weird.

How I Feel About the Flu

[via Christoper Newgent]



(I'm the first clay pigeon. I land with an oof.)

Luke Kennard

Here's a good poem:

Practice matters, I need to get to work.

Dang

Work is killing me.

This is getting ridiculous

So this guy walks into a bar,
which was pretty funny
because you'd have thought his friend woulda told him about.

Some things that rule UPDATE: Post practically deleted

Things that rule forthcoming.

The story about how I got mugged

and had a bottle smashed over my head and said "you're an ambulance" to myself.

Yesterday I bought a new phone, one that is highly desirable, and I was playing with it at the bus stop after work -- broad daylight, downtown Baltimore. A youth standing nearby grabbed it so I said, "No!" and clutched it tighter. He maintained his grasp so I swung to my left, our hands locked on the device, and he moved with me. Presently, two of his aides came over to abet him. One of them tackled me and we all fell to the ground, me on my knees, the alleged thief and I still locked on the phone. A series of quick, ineffective blows were applied to my midsection. Finding no purchase there, one of the offenders manifested a glass bottle and, with a quick wrist movement, broke it over the back of my skull. Perhaps seeing more blood than they expected, the three ne'er-do-wells gave up their attack and sped off. With agility I found my feet and fled in the opposite direction.

Now I was speeding through the streets of a busy downtown, face red with my own blood. The right lens of my glasses was coated with the stuff. At this time I didn't realize I was bleeding. But I looked at my hand and saw I still held my new gadget and I was relieved -- until a dime-sized spot of blood fell onto the slick white bezel of the device. I was two blocks away from the scene of the crime. I stopped running. I stopped walking. I touched a wetness on my skull. My hand came away full and sticky. I thought I was going to fall to my knees. The phone, being new to me, confused my attempts at an emergency call. Breathing deeply, I gave it another shot.

A lost soul sitting on the sidewalk next to me asked me for a quarter, then looked away in horror when I turned to him. I realized I ought to apply some pressure to my wound. The man on the other end of the line asked me how old I was. I told him 32 and thought, well actually my birthday isn't until Monday so I said, "No, 31." A firetruck was dispatched. I hung up the phone. Dozens of faces streamed past me as workers went home for the weekend. One nice person named Kim, with a Sudoku book under her arm, stopped and asked was I okay. I asked her to stand next to me for a while. She asked if I wanted to sit on a park bench. I was confused by the question. She asked me my name for the second time then laughed. Up the street I saw a fire truck blazing toward us.

Then an ambulance came. The paramedic was pretty and professional. I sat on the bumper of the firetruck. The police asked me some questions like, "Was he light-skinned or dark-skinned." I said, "Oh dark-skinned definitely." "Like my complexion?" I said, "Certainly no lighter than you." Then the police officer drove me home. I called Stephanie and she almost cried when she saw me. I showed her my new phone and I thought it was a little broken from the scuffle, but she fixed it in two seconds. Now my phone works fine. It really is a cool phone.

Apropos of Nothing, or an Easter reflection

The day my grandfather died I was in China with some friends. It was Chinese New Year. Some of my friends went out to see a parade and some stayed back with me and said nice things. Then we went for a walk and brought along the football. We stopped to toss it around in a park and within a few minutes 500 people gathered around to watch the Americans at sport. It was overwhelming to be the center of attention with a tear-streaked face.